Mom-guilt is real and heavy. I am constantly wondering if my consequences are too lenient or too excessive. If we don’t read every night are they going to be an adult who doesn’t like books? Should we be volunteering so they become active members of their community? These questions (and others!) keep me up at night. Now add in a kid with special needs and your head could explode from your self-doubt. Let’s ditch ALL mom guilt, but ESPECIALLY special needs mom guilt.
Find your team
Did you think I was going to start with “Trust your instincts?” Nope. We can only trust our instincts when we know we’re doing everything we can for our child. There are a lot of resources out there for kids with all sorts of disabilities and I really urge you to utilize them. I rely on my maternal instinct a good amount but it’s not going to do me any good when it comes to his speech therapy or how to set up a visual schedule. I need help and guidance from a professional for that. If I want to set my child up for success, which obviously we all do, I need a whole team of experts behind me.
There are so many free services you can qualify for so I encourage you to look into that. You might think you won’t qualify because so often in our heads you need to be below the poverty line to qualify. That just isn’t true. These programs are there to utilize so take advantage of them!
If you’re already in a support group start there. You could be in an Autism Facebook group or a Cerebral Palsy online parent group, that’s the best place to start. Those moms are in the trenches and can’t wait to share their knowledge and experience. I’m in several 22q groups and I’ve reached out multiple times over the years asking questions about different kinds of therapies and getting doctor recommendations.
RELATED: MY BLOG POST ABOUT PEYTON BEING DIAGNOSED WITH 22Q DELETION SYNDROME
Trust Your team
Trusting your doctors and therapists and teachers is so important. If you are going to follow these instructions regarding medication or therapy you need to trust them. Don’t be afraid to advocate for your child. We have switched neurologists more than once until I found someone that was a good fit for my son, but also a good fit for ME.
Once you know and believe you’re doing everything you can for your child, you will be able to relax and let go.
Focus on What Matters
Every kid is on their own growth chart, learning at their own pace. Don’t compare your child to any other child-compare them to themselves. Do they know more letters than 6 months ago? Are they talking more than last year? Have they done something they would have never done even last month? Peyton was a class helper for the first time at school last week and it was an accomplishment his whole team celebrated. Not every milestone is going to be able to be measured. Growth is constantly happening and since we’re with them all the time, sometimes it’s hard to see. Visit a family member you see occasionally and I bet they will remark on their progress. The progress you didn’t even think of. This can be a huge confidence boost and a sign you’re on the right track!
Let It go
I could be doing more with ALL of my children. We could be doing flashcards and I should have them reading and writing on the weekends. I have these thoughts and yes, I feel guilty. The truth is, there’s always more you COULD be doing, but at what cost? Do I want to be making flashcards instead of going to the park? Should I be reading to them instead of having a conversation?
People ask me what my favorite age is and I always say “every age is hard and every age is fun, it’s just different.” and I feel that way about special needs parenting too. When you can trust yourself and your team, it’s easier to let go.
RELATED BLOG POST: INTERACTING WITH A SPEECH DELAYED CHILD
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