How I Parent With Anxiety And Depression

Although fortunately, the stigma around mental illness is lessening, it isn’t completely gone yet and it can be one more thing to feel guilty about as a mom. Parents that live with depression, anxiety, or both, have some struggles ahead of them for sure, but it can also be a great blessing. Our kids have big emotions and we do too, so we can relate. We can help them manage their emotions in a way that other parents can’t. It is vital though that you don’t ignore your own mental health needs while tending to your child’s.

Self-care is vital

People really throw that phrase, “self-care” around a lot lately, don’t they? It’s the new buzzword. You can go on Google or Pinterest and find thousands of results that promise they are the best self-care tips out there. There’s nothing wrong with looking for ideas, but always remember this is going to vary from person to person and situation to situation.

Self-Care is a fluid and changing concept

Know your self-care might look different today than it does next week because your situation and needs are different. Don’t feel guilty that your definition of self-care is vastly different than someone else’s. I hear a lot of people use “retail therapy” for self-care. It soothes them to either go to a store or to buy something online. Personally, that sounds very stressful to me. The whole process of comparing items, wondering if I’m getting the best price. Is this going to fit and if not, how easy is it to return? Retail therapy is not my idea of a good time, but if that is what works for you-you go buy yourself some fancy stationery and a new shirt! Whatever works!

I take naps. Depression makes me tired. I get mentally and physically more exhausted than other people. I do get the nagging feeling of being lazy or thinking I could get so much more done if I didn’t nap during the day, but it’s not really true. I get crabby and overwhelmed. I am no good to anyone if I don’t take a break and lay down. Even if I don’t end up falling asleep, having that time with all sensory removed has proved beyond beneficial for making the rest of my day productive.
I am an extrovert with anxiety. We exist. I need friend time. Sometimes it’s easy to incorporate the kids into it, we can have everyone come over and play while the moms can have some coffee on the deck. That’s ideal because everyone gets their cup filled, but that’s not always practical. Sometimes you’re going to have to take time away from your family to meet with your friends. If that’s for your retail therapy, how great that you can combine two soul-refreshing activities! I love to meet for dinner with my friends-it combines 2 of my favorite things: girl talk and not cooking dinner.

I make lists

I started to do this a few years ago and when I tell you it was a game-changer, I mean it! How often are we as moms cleaning up the kitchen? I feel like I could stand there all day and there would always be something to do. I also have 2 dogs and a cat so I can always vacuum and dust. Sometimes I will clean a whole room and you can’t tell. HOW is that possible? I was getting so frustrated because, at the end of a busy day, it still looked like I had done nothing. Making a list is a tangible way to see what you have done.

Even worse, there are those tasks that take a long time but create no observable evidence of you having spent time on them. I have been on the phone for an hour sorting out a doctor bill, get done, and look around the house and feel completely defeated like I just wasted my time.

Wash dishes
~~Clean cat littler box~~
Make pediatrician appointment
Play game with kids
~~1 load of laundry~~

This is what a typical list looks like for me, and yes I do have ‘play with my kids’ on an actual to-do list. For an anxious person, spending that time on the floor playing while there are dishes in the sink, can make you feel uneasy and distracted. It’s not that I think of playing with my kids as a chore, but putting it on a list changed my mindset about it. I like to be able to check things off and this is a great way of wrapping my head around it and making myself slow down and enjoy.

I am open with my family about my anxiety and depression

My 9-year-old was displaying signs of anxiety and it helped her to know that I deal with it too and that lots of people do. It’s hard to say at this point whether it’s going to be something she struggles with in the future, or if she’s experiencing normal 4th-grade homework/pandemic/hormonal stress.

Either way, having coping mechanisms for anyone, at any age is of the utmost importance. She knows why I nap, we talked about what she thinks would help her sometimes. Just like with adults, you don’t know until you try them. We’ve done journaling and stress balls and taking a break and we’re finding out what works and at what times for her. It’s a journey.

I am open with my husband about it because there are days when I just can’t. I just need to go to bed or I might be a little crabbier than usual. It’s hard to explain to someone who doesn’t live with it what it feels like, so we’ve always used the word “blah” when talking about it. Once in a while, I just say “I’m feeling blah, can you do bedtimes tonight?” and I go to bed. It would not work if I wasn’t completely honest with him.

Medication and therapy

There is no shame in my medication game. My biggest piece of advice is to find a doctor that you vibe with and really trust. You will need to be extremely open and honest with them so they can prescribe an accurate medication and dose. You wouldn’t hesitate to see a doctor for a physical ailment, so realize this is really no different. You are taking the steps to be healthier and I applaud you!

say no

This is a game-changer right up there with lists. So many women, especially moms, get trapped into saying yes to all the things. We don’t want to be seen as “too career-driven” so even if we have a big project at work, we’ll sign up to help with the school book fair. We don’t want to seem like we don’t take work seriously even though you’re taking care of your ailing parents and you just got a puppy, so you volunteer to be on a project committee. We do too many things and we end up doing a poor job at all of them because we’re stretched too thin. JUST SAY NO.

Anxiety and depression make me feel overwhelmed easily so it forces me to say no to things. It’s been a blessing because it really weeds out the things I don’t want to do. Or things I would not be able to give 100% to. Do I want to be treasurer for the PTC? Nope, I sure don’t. Do I want to volunteer for one 2 hour session at the school bake sale? Yes, I can do that. Everyone is happier this way.

Going forward

The things I want you to take away from this blog post are

There is no guilt or shame in admitting you need help or medication. It is not a weakness.
Self-care looks different for everyone, please take the time to find out what relaxes and rejuvenates you.
Say no to things that stress you out.
Try making a to-do list. If you just start with two things and one of them is “watch Netflix,” that’s ok!

I can’t wait to hear from you and hear about your self-care routines, and how living with anxiety and depression has made you a stronger person AND PARENT!

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