Funny Parenting Tweets

Ok, so these aren’t funny parenting TWEETS. I attempt Twitter every 6 months or so because I want to understand it and like it. I see myself creating this massive following with my wit and charm, but I just can’t. The Facebook community, especially the demographic of women who are slightly older than middle-aged: that’s where I shine.

This is 100% true story. This summer my 5yo was outside on the deck and he wanted me to bring him a drink. I said he could come in and get it himself. He didn’t like that answer so he did was any normal, rational, able-bodied person would do. He screamed “Help me Mommy” over and over. I ignored it, not realizing how far the sound is traveling and a little bit later there was a knock at our door. I still don’t give in to his demands, but I do make a point to yell over there that we’re ok now.

For the first time ever in the history of the Olympics, there was a 3 way tie for first place. I’m so proud.

I seriously need tips for this. Anyone have any tips for applying sunscreen to kids that are way too old to be freaking out like this? 8 summers, you guys.

When Covid hit we got an above ground pool. It fell over and flooded our yard multiple times, cost a fortune in upkeep, and the kids would go in it for 10 minutes at a time, several times a day. Using a different towel, every time of course because “that one is wet!” My husband was not at all sad when it got hole in it. Come to think of it, that’s pretty suspicious…

Distance learning is not for the faint of heart. Or for anyone who doesn’t drink coffee and/or alcohol.

And if we could talk about HOW I’m so funny and compare and contrast me to other people, that would really make me feel more at home and comfortable.

So then instead of just owning my slip up, I proceeded to wave at my own children in the pool so often that my daughter told me to stop it. See, I was waving at my own children too! Not at you because that would be weird!