Why you can (and should!)Relax Your Screen Time Rules

First, can I just say I hate the term ‘screen time?’ It’s horribly outdated. We use screens now to order our food at restaurants and to meet with teachers, it’s not all just for fun and games anymore. Because of that, and some other points I’ll get into, Parents: for the love of God, RELAX YOUR SCREEN TIME RULES.

Screens aren’t going anywhere

Screens are replacing people in a lot of industries. Have you been inside a bank lately? I was surprised to see no people inside, just a screen!

Schools hand out Chromebooks and Ipads, and students are expected to navigate efficiently. Students, especially in this distance learning era, are expected to “have 22 tabs open, read this article on Zinkledot and then write the answers to the quiz on Doodlebop and don’t forget to do Wonkywoo for 20 minutes.” It sounds like a foreign language to me, but my kids are navigating it with ease. It’s impressive, and hard to understand for someone who remembers when Oregon Trail was the groundbreaking technology. (Raise your hand if you’d always name your crush as your husband in the game, and then get legit sad when they died of typhoid.) This isn’t a phase that will pass, technology and screens are going to be an absolutely essential part of their lives.

Create healthy habits

Instead of eliminating or limiting screen time, we need to be teaching them how to manage it. This would be a good time to work on cultivating your own healthy habits if you need to. The best way to teach is by modeling the behavior. We, as parents, hear this advice a lot though, don’t we? And they are always essentially telling us that you shouldn’t be on your phone as much around your kids, and then they magically won’t want screens, right? We’re supposed to “model” not having a phone?

That’s ridiculous. When we were younger it would take my mom several phone books, maybe a call to the operator, and 45 minutes later we’d all have dentist and doctor appointments. I do all of that from my phone now, and sometimes when I’m sitting with my kids. I checked in my youngest for a haircut online, ordered groceries, looked up what time a store opened, and checked the local weather. All these things that my mom used to have multiple items and trips for, I just did in the time it took her to make an appointment.

That is a healthy online habit that we can model. Technology is making our life easier and faster, and I get to spend more time at home and less time grocery shopping because of it. Another healthy online habit we can help cultivate in our children is finding answers to questions. I’m sure your child is already adept at asking Alexa, but we can also teach them how to look up addresses and store hours.

Model healthy behavior

The most important thing for them to know is to never give out their personal information online. This is basic online etiquette and if they’re going to be online at all, they need to have a good understanding of it. We say this so much to our children, and they roll their eyes and say “I kno-oooow” but it’s worth repeating. All of the time.

Another healthy but easy online habit is to turn notifications off. They won’t be tempted to leave what they’re doing to check on their game if they don’t hear that ding announcing they have more coins.

Have a designated “no screen” time. For us, that’s all meals. We eat together as a family and we talk about our day and that’s non-negotiable. I don’t allow them in the car either but that’s only because it bugs me, I don’t have a real thought out reason for that.

experts don’t know everything

Jordan Shapiro, PhD., wrote a fascinating book called “The New Childhood: Raising Kids to Thrive in a Connected World” and he makes a great point in it saying that these “experts” that are making lists about the screen time allotment have never raised kids in this digital era, and they’re trying to use the same guidance and advice they’ve always used but it doesn’t apply in this new context. It seems like when we just say “screen time” we’re really reducing the role that screens and technology are playing in our kid’s lives. We reduce it to an annoying habit or distraction, and we try to control it because that’s not how we grew up. It’s not how anyone except this generation is growing up, and the rest of us just might need a digital attitude change.

Don’t confuse social media with screen time

I don’t envy parents of teenagers trying to figure out the balance of accessibility and social media, with privacy. When people cite depression and suicide among teenagers, they aren’t usually talking about “screen time” it’s social media. I remember being a teenager talking to a friend in my room on my really cool phone shaped like lips, and finding out my friends had hung out without me days earlier. That was upsetting enough, but imagine you’re a teenager finding out in real time that your friends are out and didn’t invite you. Oh man, just thinking about this I have anxiety, and am ready to ban all social media for my kids forever. I don’t know for sure how I’ll handle it because my oldest is 9 so we’re not quite there yet, but according to the Interaxion Group, (an online forum that provides resources to schools and parents on the social media habits of adolescents) here are some guidelines you can put into place.

• No devices in the bedroom at night
• Let parents be your friend and follow on social media
• Talk about what’s appropriate and inappropriate to post
• Parents get all passwords

less screen time does not mean more active

The case I hear the most for limiting screen time is they want their kids to play outside, run around, and be in nature more. First, of all, that’s great for you if your childhood was really like that. My grandma babysat me so mine was less catching frogs, and more The Young and the Restless at a terribly inappropriate age. What if your kid really likes to read? Or draw? Would that not be ok since it’s not active? Every kid has their own interests, yours might be more sedentary. I personally have a kid obsessed with video games that cannot sit still to save his life, so these things don’t always go hand in hand.

What’s your why?

If you have been limiting your kid’s screen time, really think about your reasoning behind it. If you just don’t like it, I guess I can respect that. Just like my reasoning for not allowing the tablets in the car: it just bugs me. But often we get these outdated ideas from someone in an older generation, another mom we look up to, or an article we read. Could it be deep insecurity about your parenting? You feel guilty that you are “plopping them down in front of the tv” and taking the easy way out of your afternoon. Good mom’s play with their kids until they’re exhausted! That TV will rot their brain and it’s the cause of all tanrums and whiny behaviors in the whole world!

[Insert the world’s biggest eye roll here] Read my blog posts Modern Self Care is Bullshit and From Pinterest to Passable for more of letting go of the dreaded Mom Guilt!

Technology isn’t going anywhere. Our kids need to be equipped to navigate, handle, and cultivate it. What technology rules do you have? Am I the only one who hates it in the car? Let me know!