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As a mom to a severe speech delayed kiddo, I have witnessed some interactions that range from amazing to downright offensive.
I want to be clear that I feel like (mostly) people are well-meaning and are not TRYING to be dismissive or rude. I think that sometimes a speech delay can make people uncomfortable or they truly don’t know how to react and respond. I’m here to change that!
I recently reached out to a group of moms and asked them to share their experiences, and what they thought was helpful. We also talk about what definitely NOT to do. Hopefully, this helps the next time you interact with a speech delayed child.
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being positive with a speech delayed child
DON’T say things like “My Charlie didn’t talk until he was 2 and then it was just like a light switch!” Telling someone a milestone or a date can set them up to feel more isolated and despairing once that milestone passes with no advancement.
DO listen to the parent’s concerns without judgment. Accept the diagnosis (if there is one) and the child’s limitations.
DON’T say “he’ll talk when he’s ready.” This insinuates that it’s a choice. This child was probably “ready” 2 years ago, but he has a physical or cognitive limitation that we can’t ignore.
being helpful
DO ask parents what the child’s preferred method of communication is and be open to using it. Some speech delayed kiddos use visual cues, while others use sign language.
DON’T make suggestions like cutting out gluten or using essential oils. Yes, this happens all the time. No this is not helpful.
DO point out the child’s strengths. If they are great at puzzles, say so. If they are kind and inclusive, make sure to praise the child for that. As parents, we see those areas of strength already, but it’s heartwarming when other people highlight it as well and don’t just focus on the delays.
BEING MINDFUL with a speech delayed child
DO talk to the child in an age-appropriate manner. So often people want to use baby talk or assume their interests are much younger than they are. Try to remember that speech is not an indicator of age or cognitive abilities.
DO remember that just because a child can’t talk to you, doesn’t mean they don’t understand you. It is very common for a child to develop receptive language before expressive.
DON’T think that just because someone can’t talk, they have nothing to say. You just have to listen in a different way. Maybe they use gestures, facial cues, sign language, or limited vocabulary. Whatever their method of communication is, I guarantee you they want to talk to you and have something of value to say.
being patient
DON’T try to hurry a child up while they’re talking. This is especially important if they have a stutter. Wait for them to finish and DON’T try to fill in the rest of their sentence. Just wait.
DO realize that this child might have certain behaviors related to their speech delay. You might see tantrums and some acting out. I’m not saying we don’t discipline our children and we certainly don’t say that behavior is acceptable, but can you imagine how frustrating that would be? Can you imagine wanting to go outside to ride your bike but someone keeps handing you a snack? Or trying to ask for someone to play with you but they keep asking “what?” That would be maddening and I’d probably want to throw my toy at the cat too.
DO reassure parents they are doing everything they can and they are doing a good job. Seriously, you can’t say this enough.
being accepting of a speech delayed child
DO ask questions if you have them.
DON’T make the child say “please” or “thank you” to you. You think you’re being encouraging but all this is doing is putting unneeded pressure on this child to perform. Unless the parents or teacher has said specifically to do this, just don’t. It’s not my place to teach another kid manners anyway. I’m just going to give them the Cheeto and be on my merry way. I have seen this scenario play out multiple times and I’ve never forgotten how it made both me, and my child, feel.
DON’T ever say anything about this getting “fixed.” We don’t go to Speech Therapy to “fix” it, we go to make progress. Some kids will never talk, just like some people will never be able to walk, or to have a job. They don’t need “fixing.”
DO act as a community. If you have 2 friends whose kids are both speech delayed, or have the same diagnosis, get them together! Community is so important in motherhood, and especially in special needs parenting. It is often lonely and isolating and having another mom you can talk to you about specific needs, is essential.
being inclusive
DO teach your children about disabilities. Talk openly with your children about cognitive, physical, and language differences. So the next time your child sees a friend who’s different they will be used to it, and they’ll understand that some kids express themselves differently.
DO give appropriate gifts. My heart would sink at Christmas when someone assumed he liked books for babies, or toys for toddlers when he was much older than that. Again, remember that speech is NOT an indicator of age or cognitive ability. I love gifting this voice changer or this microphone as gifts. It changes the sound of their voice, encouraging them to talk and making it fun when they do so. A large part of my kiddo’s speech delay is confidence, so anything that helps them feel more confident in their own voice is fantastic!
going forward
If you have ever made any of these mistakes, IT’S OK! We’re all a work in progress and you don’t know what you don’t know. This is why I wanted to write this.
I hope that you’ve learned something that going forward you can implement. It will help you be a better friend to the parent of a speech delayed kiddo, or a more encouraging neighbor or relative.
Do you have anything to add to the list? I’d love to hear what you’d add to this list and any experiences! Comment below!
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